Are you dating people that you cannot afford to be with? I don’t just mean fiscally, I mean mentally, emotionally, socially, educationally, spiritually and or economically. When you choose someone new to date, are you on an equal playing field?
Dating on an unequal playing field is a source of frustration and can become out-and-out upsetting. I have coined the phrase “Downward dating.” Downward facing dog is a traditional yoga pose that Stretches and strengthens the whole body while relaxing the mind. Unlike downward dating which only eats away at your sanity and puts you in a pile of confusion. In the end, you wind up blaming yourself for the relationships demise. As with many of life’s choices there is no one to blame and many lessons to learn.
The way your dates treat you and the opportunities that come your way are determined by your attitude, energy and your sense of self. Often times, it feels good to blame others, but you know intuitively that it is not right. One of the only things you can possibly get from downward dating is some instant physical satisfaction which is often very nice but that lasts for about a good sixty seconds. However, you’re not making the kinds of connection that you desire. You are not getting the emotional connection you desire, so you’re left upset, angry and frustrated.
I have heard dating described as a gladiator sport. It is not for the faint of heart. Dating will test you and can shred every ounce of confidence you have or wreck havoc on your self image. While dating, whatever insecurities you are dealing with will surface and leave you not even recognizing yourself.
Do you experience yourself and realize that you are you dating the same physical type of man/woman over and over again. Do you have a physical type, i.e. tall, blonde, bald, hulking, etc. and are not interested in leaving that type behind? In the past, I have been guilty of dating like that. Thus not making room for anyone else to enter my sphere and all the while, still looking for a different response and treatment. Duh! However, are you not ready to leave your type behind but still want something different? Do you want and or are you interested in stopping this kind of behavior? Do you want a different results?
Before you go out on another single date start, looking at what you don’t like about your dating habits. Start by asking yourself about what you’re experiencing; see if it is a reflection of how you treat yourself. If you cannot change or are not ready to date, you are doomed to continue creating more of the same dating situation. This can be said for any situation that does not work for you anymore. It you want to date differently, you have to start giving yourself something first. If you want to date better people, you have to become a better person. If you want to be respected, you have to give respect to yourself and then to others, if you want to improve the quality of your dates you have to improve the quality of yourself. Start by asking questions “What can I contribute to my dates?” What you receive from any dating situation will transform when you accept yourself.
It is unfortunate but most of the recipients of downward dating love the idea of dating you. They love what you do, what you have but they subconsciously are frightened that you may not be interested in them. They are subconsciously don’t like what you are, as you represent all that they are not and this dredge’s up their insecurity. Downward dating people derive pleasure from you because it gives them an opportunity to inflate their already timorous ego.
They love what you represent, that you have an education and the social accoutrements or any other accolades whether earned, learned or born with. They love that you have your own money which is oftentimes, more than theirs. On the other hand, with downward dating there is no dedication. It’s just bragging which could later be at your mental expense and discredit.
Some downward dating partners are only capable of trying to break you down. The relationship is lop-sided. Your partner can become spiteful, downright nasty and mean spirited. Downward daters are for the most part only really interested in themselves and making you wrong. Their level of insecurity is very high. The experience of downward dating is one of insecurity and belief that internally that they don’t deserve something.
Downward daters will continual ask questions that you can’t answer in the way they want. “Why are you really interested in me” Duh, you’re interested in them because you like them. They cannot believe that and are extremely adamant that you’re not being truthful. They make statements like that you’re trying to use them They do not hear or listen to what is being said in a conversation. They only hear their internal conversation and make up things that were not being said or experienced.
Downward dater is not based in reality. Downward dates and daters come in all shapes and sizes color and crude. This incessant dialogue is very dysfunctional. This is when you leave the interaction (Run now!)
Many people have downward dated at some point in their life. Even if you can fake amnesia and plead the 5th you’ve done it.
Here is my experience in downward dating:
I dated a man with less money then me. I knew upfront that he could not afford to attend a lot of the things that I invited him to, so I would foot the bill if I really wanted to go. I didn’t have a problem with sharing, but when my sharing became a problem, the relationship become uncomfortable. His ego, was getting a little roughed up about not having extra play money. I did not do it deliberately. If I was digging down into my savings or spending above my means, I would say something.
Unfortunately, my guy had not mastered this concept, he had difficulty expressing his feelings about my money. Our relationship became increasingly difficult and it became progressively more difficult having certain conversations. So he proceeded to make me wrong. Eventually we broke up.
Today my opinion is if your venturing into a situation like this,you’re probably setting yourself up for failure. Work with me here, you have spent a number of years building up your education and that education has increased your socio economic standing only to find that you are not dating on an level playing field. You have little in common with them and furthermore they resent you for it. It is important to date with clarity. It takes time to get to know the people. It is also important that you give yourself time to get to know the people you’re interacting with and that you do not compromise your spirit.
I know many men and woman complain that they are sad and that they feel alone. Theoretically, we are all. Even in a relationship, amongst family, friends or in a group, we can feel alone. Alone, is a feeling, not our truth. The key is to accepting being alone is checking whether this is true for you. Then choosing what you want to do with what you know. Rejecting your findings that you are alone will not only make you feel better about being alone, it will prevent you from jumping into relationships that do not support your energy and what you are up to in your life. It is healthy to look at yourself with a critical yet compassionate eye so that you can make the decisions that only you can and will say are right for you. If you let lonely choose for you, you’ll be in a relationship that will have you whirling and not in a good way.
How to stay away from Downward Dating.
Remember downward dating unlike Downward Facing Dog Does not tone and strengthen your back. It can however give you great sex for 60 seconds and fabulous eye /arm candy. But, if you’re serious about having a relationship stay away at all costs.
Date people that have the same or similar kinds of interests.
Value yourself so that people will value you and if they don’t, you can walk away intact.
Give yourself permission to do what you desire.
Date people that have interests that interest or might interest you.
Take time to get to know people you date, but first take time to know yourself.
Date people that have similar values by finding out and asking those questions that freak you out.
Date people who value you making plans and can be honest about what they can and cannot do.
Date people that are flexible, will try new things and speak up about them.
Date people who can create and have with clear agreement with you.
Date people who will remember your successes in the relationship not your failures.
Breakdowns are opening for breakthroughs. Life without breakdowns is no life at all.
Date people and do your best and realize that dating is a process which can have you realize your humanness.
Date by expecting the best to happen and know that your will experiences triggers from you past.
Date with an open heart or else don’t date – In fact do your life with an open heart.
Improve the quality of yourself by being open to being fearless and free.
Ask yourself serious heartfelt questions, the one that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Have a look at your attitude and level of gratitude.
What do you like or dislike about your dating habits? Take a look. Don’t judge just investigate.
Get rid of your physical typing, The physical typing was created in your past by a very young you.
Stay in the present moment leave you past relationships in the past.
Live in the now date in the now.
Everyone, as we all know, is different and not everyone is compatible. So, it is important to realize if you cannot accept a person for all they are and all they are not, then you need to leave them alone. Maybe your date has not read a book in a number of years. Maybe they only eat what they was raised on and everything else is off limits. Or you’re a traveler and they’re a couch traveler. Your priorities are so completely different. You find yourself trying to plan things with them and they seem really keen, but when it comes time to commit to the plans, they disappear off the planet and your left wondering is this the same person.
Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life and helps them build up their personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping you clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, you can take deliberate steps, own your voice, speak your truth and have the freedom to Live Life Your Way.
“Live Life Your Way” http://www.NoreenSumpterCoach.com
Call 718-834-9450 or e-mail Noreen@NoreenSumpterCoach.com
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