A troubling situation that should not be judged too harshly, we are all capable of falling in holes with little room to escape. I will try to be gentle and look at all sides when exploring this subject, and also remembers that it is very different to affairs in heterosexual couples.
It is important not to judge. Our society is so eager to humiliate, cast out, and punish us for our choices rather that teach openness, honesty, and the value of good intentions. We may all be a little healthier if we practice these principles on ourselves and each other.
Women are built to form emotional bounds; it was an intricate part of our survival in prehistorical times. We connect emotionally to each other, due to women having more of the chemical known as oxytocine “the love hormone.” That is why affairs affect lesbians very differently to heterosexuals and why there needs to be a different view point taken when understanding affairs between two women. This is not to say that straight people aren’t affected by affairs in their marriage, the impact of betrayal on any person regardless of sexual orientation can be devastating and painful.
As much as we would like to look the other way, the two women need to acknowledge that there is an individual being thrown into the affair without knowing or giving consent. When we attempt to manipulate our environment to our advantage where others are unwilling participants the consequences are often “very” ugly to severe. I have heard men tell me “it’s one thing for my wife to screw another man but to shame me into screwing a woman that is a whole other story.”
There are many reasons why we choose to have affairs; there is the excitement and sense of adventure of having a secret and attempting to control our life. There are also women that need to connect and search for companionship that is lacking in their marriage. Romance and love is something written in story book and seen in cinema, and soon forgotten once in wedlock. The art of courtships has dissipated and the appetite for wild passion is a constant craving. Many couples may have stopped having sex and our living two separate lives in the same house. Other triggers of affairs are one-night stands, opportunity, attention that builds our self-esteem, revenge, escape from everyday life, and of course to end a marriage.
However, the most common type of affair in lesbian extramarital affairs is the “I did not know I was a Lesbian or Bi.” Many of us got married because that is what is expected. Most of us grew up begin told that we must meet a nice man that can take care of us. I am only thirty, but I know that crap was shoved in my face from various sources. Not once was I ever even given the opportunity to even contemplate my sexuality, excepted from my mother who was a bisexual hippie herself.
Many of us get married and realize that the life we “choose” is not ours to live; that the one we seek is still wanting for us. Now, does that mean we leave our husband, sadly no. The urge to fulfill other people’s expectations is a lot greater for some women that they will continue to live a life of secrets.
Many women won’t leave their husbands because of the social repercussions it may have on their lives, financial burdens, and of course because children may be involved. In the end that is a choice that the married woman makes.
What if you are the “other” woman, well you have two choices. First one, you can continue to the affair and wait to see if anything ever changes. Or you can leave. If you decide choice number two than here are some tips on how to break up the affair:
Tell her there will be ABSOLUTELY no contact. That is the only way to heal.
Say good-bye and walk away towards a future that is yours and not controlled by another person’s fears.
It will be hard and it will hurt, but it will pass. There may always be some residual pain, but unless you set yourself free from a secret life you will not have room to build a healthy relationship with a woman that is completely ours.
Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru
I am an Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find each other, learn from one another, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.
