Dear Ms Nel: When Is Love Real?

Have you ever been in a relationship that has been a constant battle for the other person’s time, attention and affection? You live on tender-hooks. Will they respond? Will they turn up? Or will they let you down? The feeling of being on an emotional roller-coaster controlled by someone else who cares less than you do will leave you feeling small, alone, anxious and sad. Your world will slowly contract until you are drowning. Most of us have experienced this kind of connection at least once in our lives.

The truth is that equal and reciprocal love is not like this. It is joyous, calm and full of safety and comfort. You’ll feel able to be your true and imperfect ‘self’. You can be silly or angry, sad and tearful or, ambitious strong and successful… always knowing that your faults and your talents will not jeopardize the connection. Rather, your successes will be acknowledged and embraced. He or She will challenge you to be your best and support you through the frightening but vital process of reaching your goals.

When you find yourself inside a toxic and unbalanced connection, eventually it will destroy you. To protect yourself from permanent damage, you need to let go while you are still capable of emotionally recovering. We all know others who are bitter and closed as a result of unprocessed past experiences. Sadly they often repeat that damage onto others. This is a place to avoid for yourself at all costs because it lessens your ability to feel joy and be alive. Love requires that you be emotionally healthy enough to be vulnerable even as you accept that this risk opens the potential for pain and betrayal. This is why we find our pets and our children are so easy to love. They are a part of ‘self’ not ‘other’. As parents we face no risk of this kind of pain, at least until the teenage years when our offspring will challenge and test your boundaries as they grow into autonomous adults with separate identities.

We all deserve someone special in our world. Someone who makes us a priority. Someone who has our back, in good times and in bad. At the end of the day, we must accept that if someone is not into us, or has other issues and priorities in play, then it is necessary to respectfully step away after explaining why as best we can. Grant them the space to heal themselves and live the life they have chosen. When you love someone who is abusing your open heart, this is the hardest thing in the world to do.

Give yourself the freedom to remove them from your life and find someone who can truly love you. Remember too that a love that is meant for you, will reach out for you. You won’t have to chase after it.