Let That Zero Be Your Hero

There is this guy that you think is attractive. You see him all the time at school, work or maybe at your favorite coffee shop. When you know there is a likelihood that you may run into him, you find yourself spending a little more time perfecting your look that morning. It’s working because there is no doubt he notices. He’s always looking, smiling or showing some kind of interest from afar. You echo his sentiments by speaking, smiling and making eye contact, letting him know it’s OK for him to approach because you ARE indeed interested.

So why doesn’t he come talk to you? What’s it going to take to get this guy to make a real move?

What typically happens is we women start making excuses for him. “Well, maybe he’s just shy” or “Maybe I haven’t given him enough signs letting him know that I’m interested”. We start listening to the latest women’s lib discussions that say women should be able to make the first move, get our nerve up, and take matters into our own hands. Seriously ladies, WRONG ANSWER! Don’t do it. Two reasons why you should not make the first move:

#1. You lose your power. For some reason many women think that making the first move puts us in a position of power. They think that waiting for a man to make the first move shows weakness or a lack of control over the situation. When really, a woman making the first move is just the opposite. By making the first move we take away a man’s reason to pursue us and we become the pursuer. Being the prize a man earns gives us all the control! Why on earth are you doing the work of chasing the guy? Unlike women, men are natural hunters and you have now destroyed the hunt. He will entertain you but his interest in earning you is non-existent, you have already created a perception of yourself with him that will label you as a mere ego-boost or even “easy”. You remove from the equation the thinking that “Anything worth having is worth working for”. Free stuff often has less value and can get tossed aside or thrown away without regard. Once you start dating this guy, of course, you would like him to see you as marriage material but in most cases, you’ve created a real challenge for yourself in overcoming that initial impression. I’m not saying you cannot overcome it, but why have to?

#2. You will save yourself from potential anxiety and heartache that quite frankly, we really just don’t need. Ladies, if you have smiled, said hi and given a guy every reason to believe its OK to approach and for some reason he never does, it is definitely perplexing. We naturally are curious as to why. But know this; it is for a really good reason. DO NOT TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS! Trust me, leave him be. There is something wrong with this guy and it will either end up being an epic waist of your time or you could experience unnecessary turmoil that delays a healthy relationship that was meant to be. He sees you and he IS interested but his lack of approach, believe it or not, is his attempt at trying his best to “save you” from whatever pain in the butt he already knows he will be to you. There is a limit, however, to his ability to “save you”. He is tempted by you and if you make it too easy for him, you will break him. The moment you take matters into your own hands and approach him, there is a high likelihood that he will take you up on your offer. Trust me he would much rather have fun with you than deal with his demons. You become a distraction to his progress, a delay to his inevitable. He will forget about whatever held him back in the first place and enjoy the ride with you. But the enjoyment will be short-lived, for both of you. Whatever the problem, it might not flush itself out until 2 weeks, 2 months or maybe even 2 years later.

So what kind of problems are we talking about here?

He could be married or have a serious girlfriend but commits the sin of the “wandering eye” every time you walk in the room because his attraction to you makes him consider cheating. His conscience, however, doesn’t have the guts to make the move so he just flirts a little from afar.

He could be going through a tough divorce or breakup or for some other reason he is just plain broken. He knows that emotionally he has nothing to offer you. You look like the kind of woman he could develop a real relationship with but he’s not ready and he knows it, so he has chosen to admire you from afar.

He could be broke. He feels like less of a man because when he sees you he imagines taking you to his favorite restaurant overlooking the ocean, but right now, he can barely afford the cup of coffee he’s drinking. His self-confidence is shot because of his financial woes. When a man is in this state you are not seeing him at his best and you may lose interest in someone who could be great for you once he recovers.

Whatever his “issue” is, give him a chance to fix it on his own. Some of these things can take some real-time for a man. If you have prayed and asked God to bring you the man that He has intended for you, this guy will get himself ready to be worthy of you. When he does, he WILL approach you and he will be a better man for it. Aside from the cheaters, many of these guys are really good guys. Just the fact that he wanted to “save you” tells you that when he’s healthy, he could be a great contender. If you rush it, there will be a lot of unnecessary heartache because he will likely drag you into whatever his situation is. Give the man a chance to prepare himself for you.

Remember, what God meant for you is for you. Move on, he will approach when and if the time is right.