Dear Dr. Romance: I Want The Playgirl, But They Like The “Bad Boy” Type

Dear Dr. Romance:

This is something that’s puzzling me for along time. I often do want the “playgirl”, but they like the more of the “bad boy” type.

I know for sure I want sex without strings attached, many men get this, but I simply attract women who want a boyfriend, and I don’t want this! It seems as if society is saying, cause I’m a nice guy, I must be trapped into a commitment to get what I want which is sex.

The women that are attracted to me are not at my standard level. I know this for a fact. They are not equal to me. They are trying to get a “catch” and something out of their league. I simply can’t accept this. However I’m miserable and tormented. But I can’t settle for what I don’t want either.

Dear Reader:

Men have fantasized about two categories of women for centuries: the “good girl” who is marriage material, and the “bad girl” who is fun but not worthy of commitment. Women are much more complex people than that, and they’re now having their turn to reject those notions.

My question is, what do you want and who are you looking for? Your lack of clarity about this probably projects itself, and women react to the confusion. If you want a playboy life, I guess you’ll have to be more like one, but I bet it won’t make you happy. And the women you attract won’t make you happy, either.

Are you looking for a long-term relationship? There are plenty of worthy women out there who are looking for the same thing. Are you looking for a good time and no expectations? Then you want a playgirl, who will probably be more attracted to the “bad boy” type, and more interested in what you can give her, materially. Don’t forget, though, that you won’t be allowed to have any expectations either. You’ll find, if you take the time to sort out your priorities and look a little deeper under the surface, that as soon as you’re clear about the kind of real woman and relationship you want, she will appear, like magic.

Well, a relationship with “no strings” is not a relationship, it’s a one-night stand, or maybe several, with the same person. To get sex without strings, you pretty much have to settle for a woman who doesn’t want to settle down, or grow up. Most stable women are looking for relationships. Almost any woman you have sex with several times in a row will think you’re in a relationship with her. The best way to find a woman who doesn’t want attachment is to find someone who is married, and wants an affair. Or, you might try someone who has a very demanding career, and just wants sex when she wants it. Try stating your desires online — be very upfront about it, and see what you get. “Friends With Benefits” might answer some of your questions. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will help you figure out what you want and then find it.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina.tinatessina.com